When you want to be interesting, but you're not sure you are.
The challenging thing about writing blog posts is how to convince yourself that what you're writing is worthwhile and unlikely to offend. Unless that is the purpose of your blog. To offend. Seems a bit mean if you ask me.
Over the past 78 days I've written three full blown blogs. One about the accidental inappropriateness of my children which was self vetoed as it painted them in a bad light and they're so awesome they do not deserve to have that page available for ridicule when they're older. One was an incoherent politically charged mess that completely flies in the face of the purpose of this blog. It was akin to the 'Leave Britney Alone' meltdown video, but written and about the frustrations of a citizen of the UK. Enough said. It's deleted now. The most recent one was about what I do for a living. I started it back in April and I tried to finish it two weeks ago. I decided instead to not make some sort of massive announcement. Many who read these blogs already know what I do, and those who don't can probably guess by now because my career has sunk its tendrils deep into my personal life too. So I've gradually been sharing more instagram photos from work and talking more freely about the performing arts (see what I did there!)
After conversing with a current work friend, and talking specifically upon content of blog writers and how to be interesting whilst being inoffensive and insightful, also somehow useful and important yet not all knowing and arrogant. The words flew back at me. 'Write about that. That's something you have to manage with Asperger's isn't it?'
Indeed so. I censor my own writing for a myriad of reasons. Some stated already include oversharing and embarrassment. I've recently taken to censoring my own writing because it's not autistic enough. I occasionally feel like a fraud because I'm able to express myself quite well and whilst it may take time to fully understand why I feel what I feel and how best to express that on paper, at least I can do it. At least I have to mechanical processes in place to afford me the ability to share how I feel in someway. How dare I 'trade' off Asperger's or indeed being a parent.
Well the time has come to stop self censoring and start expressing again. I find the censorship bar has been too high of late. Some blogs may not be the most interesting in the world, they may cause offence (though I never openly intend to) and my levels of insight, whilst useful I suppose, punch in at the same levels of other people.
I've chosen to take solace in the fact that people have messaged me after reading my thoughts and the happenings in my life expressing worry for another or even thanking me for putting pen to paper (fingers to keyboard). There is after all some use to my missives.
Whilst they may not be deemed the most important things in the world, the blogs I write are my thoughts and feelings on subjects I feel able to share about. After all, isn't there enough space out in the internet ether to accommodate such things? I hope to overcome my worry about whether that's enough or not. With my logical brain in gear, of course it's enough. It's not arrogant to express your opinions and welcome other opinions into your life. It's not boring to muse upon the happenings within your day to day existence. With my emotional/analytical brain in gear,'what the hell are you writing about, what is this drivel, stop sharing, no one needs to know this stuff, why does anything you say matter'. Hopefully some day soon, my emotional brain will like me as much as my logical brain does. Or at least stop judging and second guessing and analysing EVERYTHING into the ground. Shut up emotional/
analytical brain. You know not of what you speak!
The struggle is real. But today logic won.